Let’s Talk About The Gooch: The Most Neglected Part of Your Body
Some corners of the Earth have yet to be explored. There's the Vale do Javari region of Brazil and the New Hebrides Trench near Australia, just to name a couple.
And then there are the corners of your body that have yet to be explored. Among these uncharted territories is your gooch: the area between your balls and butthole. Whether you call it a gooch, grundle, taint, or perineum, one thing is certain: this patch of skin is arguably the smelliest, filthiest, and misunderstood crevices in all of human anatomy.
In this article, we'll get acquainted with your taint, help you keep your stank under control, and give you a primer on whacking the weeds in your grundle garden.
What Is the Gooch?
“Gooch” is a slang term for your perineum: the small patch of skin located between your ball sack and anus. This skin is super sensitive and has a ton of nerve endings, hence its fame as an erogenous zone.
As Tom Segura said, “The key to a man’s heart is through his taint.”
Aside from being a shortcut to horny town, your gooch forms a foundation that helps support your pelvic floor muscles to hold organs like your bladder and colon in place. Underneath the skin of your gooch are layers of connective tissue, muscles, and membranes that help you pee, poop, and have sex.
Should You Call It a Gooch, Grundle, or Taint?
Much like the dude vs. bro debate, people take a hard stance on what they call their perineum. Here’s a brief etymology lesson on the wall between your nuts and butt.
Gooch: The most plausible backstory here is that gooch is a play off the word "cooch," referring to a woman's vagina. A "guy cooch" is a gooch. Here's a fun fact, there's an actual place called Goochland County in Virginia.
Taint: This term stems from the phrase 't' aint pussy and t' aint asshole.' This seems to have been first recorded in E.E. Landy's Underground Dictionary back in the 1970s.
Grundle: The origins of the term "grundle" are shrouded in mystery. Shockingly, linguistics scholars have yet to explore the etymology of the various slang terms for skin that's smeared with sweat and feces.
How Big Is the Gooch?
The average male gooch is about 2 inches long, compared to about 1.5 inches for women. This might seem like a useless fact, but research suggests bigger gooches might be better.
It turns out your anogenital distance (AGD), the length between your anus and scrotum, could correlate with better male fertility, including higher semen volume and higher sperm count. A 2011 study found that men with an AGD shorter than two inches were seven times more likely to be sub-fertile compared to guys with bigger gooches.
“If somebody’s got a short AGD, particularly if they have problems conceiving, I would say get to the infertility doctor, because the chances are good that something is wrong,” said study co-author Shanna Swan of the University of Rochester Medical Center.
So, it looks like size really does matter after all...just not the way you thought.
Your Gooch Is a Stank Factory
Thought "the smell of balls" was, indeed, your balls? Think again.
Contrary to popular belief, that putrid aroma that bubbles up in your undercarriage does not originate from the ballsack itself, but rather behind the balls—on the taint.
This strip of skin accumulates sweat, but with nowhere to escape, the sweat thickens into an oily film known as "duck butter" or "grundle butter." Without adequate bathing habits, you can build up a blanket of this sludge on your taint that necessitates a power washer to remove it.
Your taint is also prime real estate for swamp ass to take its toll. On a hot summer's day, it can feel like someone sprayed your third pit with a super soaker. Mop up that booty dew and powder up, dude. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with a stinky, sweaty, soupy taint.
Common Perineum Problems
Your gooch is vulnerable to several health conditions. Some of them can be fixed with basic hygiene, while others may warrant a trip to the doctor’s office.
- Perianal abscess: a painful, red, pus-filled bump in your perianal region
- Pelvic floor dysfunction: the inability to coordinate your pelvic floor muscles to have a bowel movement (you can fix this with kegel exercises)
- Anal warts: small, grainy skin growths that form on the skin inside or around your butt hole
- Prostatitis: inflammation of the prostate which can cause pain in your gooch, groin, or genitals
- Hemorrhoids: swollen veins in your rectum that can cause bleeding, itching, or pain near your gooch
- Ingrown hairs:
- Swamp ass: sweat that accumulates around your groin, causing itching, chafing, and infections
How to Groom Your Gooch
It doesn't take a genius to understand that your gooch is a festering patch of sweat, bacteria, and dingleberries. But pubes make matters even worse, as that gunk gets tangled in hair that hasn't seen the light of day.
The solution? Whack the weeds in your grundle garden.
If you're committed to tidying up your taint, you have two options: trim or shave. The following steps apply to both methods.
- Pop a squat and spread 'em.
- Cradle your family jewels to shield them from your razor or clippers.
- Keeping your manscaping hand steady, groom with the grain of your hair (follow the direction it grows).
- Rinse, dry, and moisturize to prevent post-manscaping irritation.
Can't decide whether to go full bush, full bare, or somewhere in between? Look to the Law of Pubic Proportions: Your grundle hair should never be longer than the rest of your pubes.
If your sack and shaft are as smooth as silk, don't leave a hairy surprise hiding deep beneath your loins.
No Shame in the Gooch Game
Gooches don't get much love, for obvious reasons. Talking about your taint 24/7 probably won't win you many friends. But that doesn't mean you should neglect it in the privacy of your own bathroom.
Call it what you want and keep it clean with a DUDE Wipe. Your gooch is your business.