How To Wipe Your Butt: A Brutally Honest Guide for Adults
If you’re like most people, you learned how to wipe your butt when you were a little kid and never looked back. Perhaps you had a few revelations over the years, like realizing wet wipes are far superior to sandpaper. But it’s safe to say most adults aren’t actively evaluating their butt-wiping technique.
Well that changes today. We’re about to teach you how to wipe your butt the right way so you can have maximum freshness and minimum damage to your sensitive sides.
Let’s quickly cover the basics of how to wipe your butt:
- Use wet wipes—not toilet paper
- Stay seated
- Wipe front to back
- Be gentle
- Wipe until all the poop is gone
- Wash your hands
There’s no shame in re-learning basic hygiene. Keep reading for the most epic butt-wiping tutorial on the internet.
How to Wipe Your Butt: 6 Basic Steps
Follow these six steps to clean up after every bowel movement:
1. Use Wet Wipes (Not Toilet Paper)
First things first: acquire the right wiping material. Toilet paper is dry, itchy, and increases your risk of anal injuries (more on that later). It also tears easily and isn’t nearly as absorbent as a wet wipe. Get the point?
You wouldn’t wash your face with a dry washcloth, so don’t clean your butt with the equivalent of sandpaper.
DUDE Wipes are the answer for sealing off the perfect wipe and giving you a clean getaway from a messy bowel movement. Unlike standard baby wipes, DUDE Wipes are extra-large to combat extra-large dumps. They're also infused with aloe and vitamin E to soothe your sphincter. Most importantly, they're certified flushable.
If you're a truly advanced wiper, you'll spritz down with a DUDE Wiper 1000 bidet attachment before finishing off with a wipe. This lean, mean, poop-destroying machine features dual-action nozzles and idiot-proof installation.
2. Stay Seated
Sitting is almost always a better wiping position than standing. Staying seated keeps your butt cheeks spread apart, which prevents poop particles from sticking to your skin.
Pre-spread cheeks also give you more surface area to wipe, rather than having to manually spread your cheeks while standing up.
Lastly, standing up after pooping increases the risk of a dingleberry dropping into the toilet and splashing all over your legs.
3. Wipe Front to Back
Always wipe from back to front—there’s no room for negotiation here.
Start at your gooch and wipe backwards across your anus. This prevents poop from spreading up towards your perineum (the space between your balls and butt).
Logistically, it would seem obvious to reach around and wipe front-to-back, but we’re a nation of slow learners. A disturbing amount of people stand-and-spread, then wipe it up. Another sector of degenerates wipes back-to-front, risking spackling their taint with doo doo.
Wiping front to back is especially important for the ladies out there. That’s because it prevents bacteria from entering the urethra, which is a leading cause of urinary tract infections.
4. Wipe Gently
Don’t apply excessive pressure when you wipe your butt. Aggressive wiping doesn’t correlate with a cleaner butt. You’re not sanding down a deck; you’re cleaning some of the most sensitive skin on your body.
Take it easy and take your time. If you're getting impatient, there are the miracles of Snapchat and Instagram to keep you occupied while you're digging for gold.
There's also nothing wrong with a maintenance wipe if it's feeling iffy back there throughout the day.
5. Wipe Until There’s No Poop Left
As a rule of thumb, wipe till it’s white.
Don't be afraid to look at the evidence if you're an impatient wiper. The easiest way to prevent post poop problems is by making sure you're not leaving anything behind. A lot of people are too grossed out to look at what they're wiping out, but there's nothing wrong with inspecting the evidence.
Leftovers are great when it comes to pizza, not so much for pooping.
6. Wash Your Hands
Your ass isn’t the only thing that needs to be cleaned after dropping a deuce. Please, for the love of humanity, wash your hands with soap and warm water after wiping your butt.
According to a study cited by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 69% of men don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. It's a sad state of affairs when about 7 out of every 10 dudes lack rudimentary hygiene skills.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you guys?
The Dangers of Improper Wiping
When it comes to wiping, there are two primary ways to do damage to your butthole: under-wiping and over-wiping. Let's start with the former.
Say you drop a mid-day deuce after you demolish a burrito for lunch. You're in a hurry, so you give a half-hearted wipe and get back to work. You might have gained an extra minute or two, but now you have remnants of fecal matter left to fester in your undercarriage for hours.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, excessive wiping will do more harm than good, especially if you're using dry toilet paper. Dermatologists warn that over-wiping can cause micro-tears around the sphincter. This is because your rectum has particularly sensitive skin.
Overzealous wipers also increase their odds of developing Polished Anus Syndrome, AKA pruritus ani, characterized by a blotchy, red, irritated, or even bloody b-hole that can require a trip to a rectal surgeon.
It's Never Too Late to Learn How to Wipe
You may have been taught how to wipe as a toddler and forgot. Or perhaps you were given faulty instructions from the start and have been walking around with a damaged b-hole your whole life.
Regardless, it's never too late to become an enlightened wiper. We have a dream that one day, every dude will live the fresh life—even the guy who tried to wipe his ass with a sock.