How To Wipe Your Butt: The Definitive Guide for Adults
Mankind has come a long way from the times when rocks and corn cobs were acceptable tools to clean up one's nether regions. And yet, despite modern advances in hygiene, dudes are still wiping their asses like barbarians. This ignorance has led to a host of painful and, quite frankly, disgusting side effects, which we'll explore soon.
Rather than standing by and watching the carnage unfold, we're stepping in to show you how to optimize your wiping routine once and for all. But first, we need to warn you about the consequences of uninformed wiping techniques.
The Dangers of Improper Wiping
When it comes to wiping, there are two primary ways to do damage to your butthole: under-wiping and over-wiping. Let's start with the former.
Say you drop a mid-day deuce after you demolish a burrito for lunch. You're in a hurry, so you give a half-hearted wipe and get back to work. You might have gained an extra minute or two, but now you have remnants of fecal matter left to fester in your undercarriage for hours.
This can lead to a chronically itchy butthole, and in more serious cases, hemorrhoids. Not to mention, you'll ruin your underwear with skid marks (especially if you wear tighty whities).
On the opposite end of the spectrum, excessive wiping will do more harm than good, especially if you're using dry toilet paper. Dermatologists warn that over-wiping can cause micro-tears around the sphincter. This is because your rectum has particularly sensitive skin.
Overzealous wipers also increase their odds of developing Polished Anus Syndrome, AKA pruritis ani, characterized by a blotchy, red, irritated, or even bloody b-hole that can require a trip to a rectal surgeon.
Do we have your attention? Thought so.
How to Wipe Your Butt Like an Adult
Let's walk through what it takes to wipe the right way every time mount the throne.
1. Acquire Wet Wipes
Would you wash your face with a dry washcloth? Of course not. Then why clean your two holes with the equivalent of sandpaper? DUDE Wipes are the answer for sealing off the perfect wipe and giving you a clean getaway from a messy bowel movement.
Unlike standard baby wipes, DUDE Wipes are extra-large to combat extra-large dumps. They're also infused with aloe and vitamin E to soothe your sphincter. Most importantly, they're flushable.
Join the likes of Dave Chappelle, Dwyane Wade, Howard Stern, Ryan Seacrest, and millions of other dudes who have seen the light and switched to wipes.
If you're a truly advanced wiper, you'll spritz down with a DUDE Wiper 1000 bidet attachment before finishing off with a wipe. This lean, mean, poop-destroying machine features dual-action nozzles and idiot-proof installation.
"A bidet is next-level living," says Dave Portnoy. "If you're rich, there's only two things in the world that matter: flying private and cleaning your asshole."
2. Get Your Swipe Right
The fundamental thing that people screw up when wiping is the direction of their swipe. Logistically, it would seem obvious to reach around and wipe front-to-back, but we're a nation of slow learners.
A disturbing amount of people stand-and-spread, then wipe it up. Another sector of degenerates wipes back-to-front, risking spackling their gooch with doo doo.
Repeat after us: front to back, don't be afraid to look back.
3. Take Your Time
You aren't sanding down a new deck; you're dealing with some very sensitive skin. So be gentle, even if it takes a couple more rounds of wiping. If you're getting impatient, there are the miracles of Snapchat and Instagram to keep you occupied while you're digging for gold.
Don't be afraid to look at the evidence if you're an impatient wiper. The easiest way to prevent post poop problems is by making sure you're not leaving anything behind. A lot of people are too grossed out to look at what they're wiping out, but there's nothing wrong with inspecting your wiping results.
There's also nothing wrong with a maintenance wipe if it's feeling iffy back there throughout the day.
4. Don't Get Too Creative
There are countless internet wormholes you can go down to find bizarre ways people have cleaned their third hole. For example, there's a guy that tested things like corncobs, socks, newspaper, and smooth rocks to wipe, with understandably varying results.
Others have shaved their nether regions in hopes of having an easier time after pooping, but we've already covered how hazardous that can be to your day to day. There's no need to incorporate more than wipes and a bidet. Anything else is simply uncivilized.
5. Wash Your Hands
According to a study cited by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 69% of men don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. It's a sad state of affairs when about 7 out of every 10 dudes lack rudimentary hygiene skills.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Covid is enough for us to deal with. The last thing we need is a handful of your fecal matter.
It's Never Too Late to Learn How to Wipe
You may have been taught how to wipe as a toddler and forgot. Or perhaps you were given faulty instructions from the start and have been walking around with a damaged b-hole your whole life.
Regardless, it's never too late to become an enlightened wiper. We have a dream that one day, every dude will live the fresh life—even the guy who tried to wipe his ass with a sock.