How to Make Yourself Fart
Much like zen masters can control their minds, an elite group of dudes can control bodily functions just as powerful: their farts.
No, we're not talking about holding them in. We're talking about farting on command, an impressive feat that rivals that of raising one eyebrow and licking your elbow. To the blind eye, farting appears to be a matter of chance. But as you're about to discover, making yourself fart is simpler than you might think.
These five tried and true methods will put the odds of flatulence in your favor.
Make Yourself Fart with the Right Fuel
Just like marathoners need a big breakfast on race day, you need the right fuel in your digestive system to make yourself fart. In case you haven't read this post about why your farts smell so bad, here are some foods that are like rocket fuel for flatulence:
- Leafy greens (especially brussels sprouts)
- Dairy products (especially ice cream)
- Beer and wine
- High-fiber food
- Carbonated drinks (may also cause burping)
Now that you've got a good amount of gas in the tank (and maybe feeling a little bloated), here's how to let it loose. We must note that doing all of these things at the same time may cause some constipation.
The Air-Swallow Farting Method
Of all the methods to make yourself fart, the air-swallow is the easiest (and most socially acceptable). Here's how it works:
- Sit up straight on a comfortable surface
- Fill your mouth with air (don't inhale it into your lungs)
- Swallow the air
- Repeat until you feel the trapped gas working its way down to your derrière
Bet they didn't teach you that trick in science class.
The Anal Inhale Farting Method
At first, this sounds like a superhuman feat—inhaling with your butthole? But it's actually quite simple. Just like you can make yourself burp by swallowing air with your mouth, you can make yourself fart by letting air in and out of your ass.
- Lie down somewhere flat and pull your legs towards your head
- Relax your rectum and let the air seep in slowly
- Keep at it until you feel a butt bomb bubble up
- Let ‘er rip
For the sake of your reputation, we don't recommend conducting this exercise in public. But after a long day of holding in farts (or poop) at work, there's no reason why this shouldn't be added to your evening wind-down routine.
Yoga Poses to Reduce Bloating
If you thought your child's pose during yoga was only good for improving flexibility and lowering your blood pressure, think again. Don't be fooled by the pristine pictures and soothing sounds—yoga produces notoriously nasty farts.
Here are two positions where the odds of ripping ass are exceptionally high:
Apana is Sanskrit for "downward-moving life force" and asana means "pose." As the name implies, this posture is similar to happy baby and designed to push bodily toxins downward, through, and out of your body. DUDE translation: It's the definitive ass-ripping position.
Don't get it twisted—you don't need any overpriced classes or yoga gurus to induce your flatulence for you. You can get into the apanasana pose anywhere in five simple steps:
- Lay on your back
- Bend both knees
- Pull both knees towards your chest
- Breathe slowly and deeply
- Let your rear end roar
Start by holding this pose for 20 seconds at a time. It may take a few minutes for your "downward-moving life force" to work its way out.
Seated Forward Bend (Paschimottanasana)
This pose is designed to loosen up your hammies—and your farts. When done correctly, paschimottanasana improves digestion and relaxes your torso, creating the perfect storm for the perfect fart.
Here's how it's done:
- Sit with your legs extended in front of you
- Place your hands next to your body and press into the floor
- Hinge at your hips and fold your torso forward
- Walk your hands alongside your body as you get deeper into the pose
After a few long breaths, your ass should exhale as well.
Fart It Up with Squats
All it takes is a quick look at the discussion forums on Bodybuilding.com, Reddit, and Quora to see that gym farts have plagued nearly every dude that's stepped into a gym. But there's one gym area that appears to induce unseen levels of noxious fumes: the squat rack.
Weightlifters are notorious for experiencing mid-squat gastrointestinal attacks—understandably so. For starters, heavy breathing causes excess air to build up in your digestive tract. On top of that, the squat position is scientifically proven to reduce strain on the bowels.
You don't need to be a powerlifter to produce stinky squats, though. If you want gas relief on-demand, simply lower yourself into a bodyweight squat with your knees bent at 90 degrees. After a few up-and-down movements, you should be primed for passing gas.
Mastering the art of making yourself fart is an impressive feat. But with great power comes great responsibility. Our only task is to use these strategies for good, not evil deeds like hotboxing your friend's car with farts or dutch oven-ing somebody in bed.
If you're interested in making more noise with your body we'll teach you how to burp on command here.