Coffee Enemas: The Art of Injecting Coffee Up Your Butt
There’s a wellness clinic in Kansas City where you can pay a woman to inject coffee up your butthole.
The goal? Rid your body of toxins.
The cost? $125.
Here’s what one satisfied customer had to say:
“As a man, I was apprehensive, but after the session started all my worries were ‘flushed’ away... right along with a ton of unwanted waste!!”
Welcome to the world of coffee enemas: the bizarre, dangerous, decades-old art of consuming a cup of joe through your ass. If your coffee enema goes according to plan, you’ll have a successful poop. If it goes wrong, you might die.
What Is a Coffee Enema?
A coffee enema is an alternative medicine practice that involves injecting coffee into your colon, through your rectum. Some people say coffee enemas relieve constipation, detoxify your body, and cure countless health problems—but there’s no scientific evidence to support those claims. In fact, they can do serious damage to your butt and guts (more on that later).
You can give yourself a coffee enema or get one at a holistic health clinic, which can run anywhere from $100 to $1,000.
You may be familiar with “butt chugging,” where depraved dudes pour beer up (or down?) their poop chute to get drunk faster. The same principle applies to coffee enemas—except the recipients are trying to detox themselves rather than intoxicate themselves.
Coffee enemas date back to the 1920s, thanks to a German scientist named Max Gerson, who inspired the modern Gerson Therapy craze. This guy said coffee enemas would work better than traditional saline enemas and claimed they could stimulate the liver, detoxify the gallbladder, and even cure cancer.
The basis for Gerson’s claims? Nada, zip, zilch.
And yet, here we are, 100 years later, debating whether squirting coffee up your butt is the health hack you need.
5 Benefits of Coffee Enemas (Allegedly)
The big promise of coffee enemas is a big dump, perhaps multiple. But that’s not the only reason people pay to consume their morning joe up their rear.
1. Constipation Relief
Enemas can be effective at treating constipation, although they’re usually a last resort if laxatives, suppositories, and fiber supplements don’t do the trick. Putting fluid into the intestines softens the stool, which should induce a bowel movement.
Keep in mind: 99% of enemas administered by healthcare professionals are water-based, not java-based.
According to Linda Isaacs, an alternative medicine physician, coffee enemas can stimulate the body to rid itself of toxic chemicals and pollutants from food, air, and water.
There’s also a theory called “autointoxication” which posits that the poop in your intestinal tract releases toxins into your body.
As you might expect, traditional doctors disagree about enemas’ ability to detoxify.
“Whenever you have a bowel movement, it pushes things out roughly in the order it went in,” explains the Canadian Society of Intestinal Research. “Any waste that you eliminate during an enema is from recent meals and would have been eliminated during normal bowel movements in due time.”
3. Digestive Health
Coffee beans contain a compound called cafestol. Coffee enema enthusiasts claim this stimulates an antioxidant enzyme called glutathione s-transferase, which opens the bile duct in the liver to help digestion.
That sure sounds promising, but a 2020 study found that coffee enemas don’t change the glutathione levels in the blood.
4. Increased Energy
Every caffeine addict is familiar with the energy burst you get from a cup of coffee. It stands to reason that a coffee enema produces the same energy bust, especially since your rectum provides easier access to your bloodstream.
That said, there’s no evidence that butt chugging coffee gives you more energy than drinking it like a normal person.
Do Coffee Enemas Really Work?
There’s no scientific evidence that coffee enemas treat any medical conditions or have any health benefits. There have only been a few studies examining the use of coffee enemas, and they all concluded that the risks outweigh any potential benefits.
For all intents and purposes, coffee enemas are a New Age health fad. But if you insist on having java shot up your caboose, here’s how it goes down.
How Does a Coffee Enema Work?
You can buy your own coffee enema kit or hire a professional to do the deed. Either way, the process works the same:
- A mixture of room temperature coffee and filtered water is held in a contraption called an enema bag. (Regulars recommend organic coffee, not the cheap crap from the gas station).
- A small lubricated nozzle goes into your butt.
- The coffee solution goes into your rectum and fills up your colon. This causes a full or heavy sensation and may cause muscle contractions or spasms.
- Once the bag is emptied, the nozzle is removed.
- After a few minutes, you should feel the urge to poop.
If you experience severe pain, stop the enema ASAP and get medical attention.
Are Coffee Enemas Safe?
Coffee enemas are a risky colon cleansing technique, especially if you do them yourself. Here are some of the potential side effects:
- Rectal burns
- Bowel perforation
- Digestive issues
- Heart palpitations
One study reported nine adverse incidents with self-administered coffee enemas. Seven of those involved colitis, which means your colon gets swollen. Two others reported “critical” side effects, so use your imagination there.
Another case study reported that a coffee enemas caused proctocolitis (inflammation of the rectum). The authors also noted the coffee enemas were responsible for three deaths: one from sepsis and two from electrolyte imbalance.
Bottom line: the risks of coffee enemas outweigh any potential benefits. Don’t take our word for it though—here’s what the doctors concluded:
“Based on the evidence reviewed, this systematic review does not recommend coffee enema self-administration as a complementary and alternative medicine modality that can be adopted as a means of self-care, given the unsolved issues on its safety and insufficient evidence with regard to the effectiveness.”
Just Drink Your Coffee
Millions of people rely on coffee every day to stay alert and stay regular. But let’s be honest: drinking a cup of joe is far easier, safer, and cheaper than blasting it up your ass.
Speaking of blasting, have you heard of the DUDE Wiper 1000? This bidet attachment has dual-action nozzles that are guaranteed to leave your privates poopless. Best of all, it has idiot-proof installation so you don’t have to hire a plumber.
Now that’s fresh.